5 Ways Nagging Is Like Torture

by Tom Miller
Sometimes being told what to do is really nice. It's not that it divorces you from the consequences. We're always responsible for our actions, especially after we say, "if you change the pre-sets on my stereo again, I will not be responsible for what happens. So HELP ME GOD!" But being told exactly what to do can take the thinking out of something you clearly don't want to do.
However, being on the business end of a constant stream of critiques, veiled orders, words to the wise and "helpful" hints is a major bummer. It's not just ladies who nag, fellas do too — but we call it carping, hectoring and emotional battery. We like to say, "All's fair in love and war," but if the Geneva Convention makes it illegal to pull out someone's fingernails to get them to spill when the next attack is coming, it stands to reason that telling someone to hang up their polo four times in one week (even though I, I mean, they don't mind a folded shirt) should be outlawed. Here are five ways in which nagging is kind of like torture:

1. Hearts & Minds. Similar to invading a foreign country, ostensibly to prevent their proliferation of having sex with other people, you want your opponent to come to your side. Bothering your partner consistently about small things is not a good way to win him (or her!) over. Talk about a stressful position. Is this thing on?

2. And Then They Came For You. One of these days, the "enemy" may catch one of your guys (i.e. one of your few imperfections may emerge). If you covered your "opponent's" figurative mouth and nose with a cloth and poured water on it to simulate drowning, they will have no problem metaphorically submitting you to the "Pit Of Despair" and cranking the "The Machine" to 50.

3. Confabulation. When the screws (literally and figuratively) are really put to a person, he'll say anything to make the pain stop. He'll (or she!) admit to hiding munitions, greenlighting Season Of The Witch OR promising to take out the garbage even though the goddamn thing is only two-thirds full. Just please stop talking.

4. It Sort Of Works. People don't (usually) harp incessantly on the same minor point because it's fun. They do it because it's worked for generations. Ask any torturer or nagger where they learned their craft — it's passed down. But, does efficacy of a method cleanse the stain from your soul?

5. Even You Won't Like You. In some worlds (bird watching for one), the ends justify the means. But do you really want to be the kind of person that pulls another person's tongue out and stabs it with a rusty screwdriver just to get what you want? This is how someone who is clearly in the wrong (for not wiping their feet / harboring terrorists) becomes the sympathetic figure.

In a perfect world, the "bad guys" wouldn't have to be told, "Don't use the good hand towels," even though no one can tell the difference between any hand towels. But it's an imperfect world and we can't always be nice. Unfortunately, torture and nagging are not ours way. Not in my people I know, any way.